Robot Moves Like Human Being, Asimov Grave Site Shudders with Ecstasy

Posted: July 11, 2012 in Super Intellectual Essays
Tags: , , , ,

First step toward the extinction of mankind: Magic Legs.

First step toward the extinction of mankind: Magic Legs.

“Scientists,” the people who brought you such discoveries as Phlogistons and the planet Vulcan, have come up with their latest so-called boon to mankind: robots that move like we do. On feet, knees, legs, and other miscellanea. Forget the days when you could easily confine your Roomba in a vacant bedroom where it would bang around in a bloodthirsty rage (true story). Thanks to “Scientists,” these fuckers will now be all terrain.

These “Scientists,” people driven by sadistic urges and childhood traumas to create technology and concepts that shatter the world view of a populace they loathe, would have you believe that creating human-like devices to do menial jobs in the middle of an economic crisis is a good thing. Tell that to the guy who used to put on car doors on the Ford assembly line (you can’t; the robots already killed him) or the guy who used to tell people to press 1 for customer service (you can’t; he probably didn’t exist). People gotta eat. Robots don’t. Give a robot my job, and what’s he going to spend all that disposable income on? Robot porn and getting blasted on Duracells. This is allegedly progress.

So, everybody grab your ankles and say “Thanks, Scientists!” Thanks for the next phase in derailing human civilization, as if a thousand TV channels and texting weren’t enough. In ten years, we can all look out of our liquid nutrient cocoons at a new Mt. Rushmore of Johnny Five, Hal, a fucking Dalek or something, and that creepy abomination from iRobot.

Uncanny Valley, my ass. Just look at this thing. Nightmare in a can.

Uncanny Valley, my ass. Just look at this thing. Nightmare in a can.

  1. redclay says:

    Looking for your next book.

    • rdharless says:

      Thanks, podnuh. My current obsession, “unnamed-hardboiled-noir-project-X,” is making steady progress. It will be somewhat of a departure from the style of story They Tell Me I’m The Bad Guy is since it’s played (relatively) straight with no sci-fi elements, but there’s plenty of beatings, slanted characters, and wry humor like Donnie’s story had. Also, much classier language since I used up my allotment of f-bombs in the first book. I’m having to save them up for writing the sequel next year.

  2. I just finished They Tell Me I’m The Bad Guy. Had to come and tell you how much ass it kicked. Funny, great action, and instantly likeable anti-hero in Donnie Guillory. Which is funny, because I worked for a Donnie Guillory 20 years ago in New Orleans, and the motherfucker burned my leg with an oxy-acetyline torch!

    You’ve got a new rabid fan for life and I’ll be first in line for your next book.



    • rdharless says:

      Thank God. I was worried while writing this book it might not find an audience. It’s taken some months, but it looks like it may finally have. Glad you liked it, man. I’ll probably steal your idea of Donnie burning somebody with an oxy-acetyline torch for the sequel. Then I can label it: Based on a True Story. Bitches love books based on true stories.

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