R. D. Harless

Alleged ‘scientists’ have found that bears, yeah bears, have begun living in the Chernobyl Nuclear Exclusion Zone, which you may (but probably don’t, kids) remember from the time it shat radiation all over the Ukraine and gave Finland contact cancer. Up ’til now, Chernobyl has just been a human-shunned wasteland of wacky, tumor-filled animals too stupid to read caution signs, but now that fun has come to an abrupt end (like the Pope showing up at your bachelor party) ’cause friggin’ bears have migrated there to soak up sweet Ukraine millirems. Some people might call this a tragic example of the perils of Nature’s indifference to Man or a reminder that we are the custodians of our world, but those people are idiots because realists recognize it for what it is: Armageddon (with bears). Because bears plus radiation plus the fucking Russians equals Communist Ursus Super Soldier Program for the Crushing of America All Time.

“Now watch closely. I will show you how to kill this animal with one swift motion.”

It’s no coincidence we’re finding this out now. Suddenly, the Russians invasion of Ukrainian territories in the face of outrage from the international community and native protests of “I come from Ukraine, you not say Ukraine is weak” makes sense. The Russians are out to capture these radioactive bears for military purposes (way better than U.S. Navy military porpoises). The Russians have been all about the bear since way back. Bears have been a long-time symbol of Russian strength and vodka tolerance, from the popular images of circus bears on unicycles to Ronald Reagan’s famous “There is a bear shitting in the woods” re-election ad up to the election of Dmitry Medvedev (80% of Russian voters thought he might have been an actual bear named Dmitry). And the bear has not been excluded from the Russian campaign to destroy capitalism and all it stands for (you really have no idea what the hell I’m talking about do you, kids?). This grizzly lust for bear superiority goes back to the time of Vladimir Lenin, when the Soviet Ursus Program became a national priority with Lenin himself saying, “Give us the bear for eight years, and it will be a Bolshevik forever.” In the nineteen-twenties, Russian ‘scientist’ Sergei Bryukhonenko experimented with reanimating dead dogs and their various parts and organs (seriously, this happened) with the final goal being the creation of an army of reanimated zombie bears conditioned by Ivan Pavlov to be loyal to Stalin through the use of food and prosthetic mustaches. When this failed, Cold War-era Ruskie ‘scientists’ tripping balls on LSD used the Ivanov experiment notes to create hybrid bear/human soldiers to serve the proletariat interest. The only viable product of these procedures, however, was Misha the bear, who was subsequently trained by the KGB to kill and eat President Jimmy Carter at the 1980 Moscow Olympic games, leading to the U.S.-led boycott of the games (thank you, Freedom of Information Act). The scheme and program were briefly revived in the 2000s, tripling down to create codenames the Hare, the Polar Bear, and the Leopard for the GRU, but, once again, our president’s team manufactured a reason for him not to attend the Russia-hosted games (better luck next time, babushka fuckers!).

So, being that the only successes of the Soviet bear soldier program have been cute animals double-tapped for their failures in shallow graves after closing ceremonies, what do we have to worry about if the Russians get their hands on these new radiation-mutated bears at Chernobyl? Surely, their Soviet incompetence will just squander this opportunity as well, right (don’t tell Putin I said that)? Well, here’s the problem. There’s evidence that birds in the Exclusion Zone are beginning to adapt to the high levels of radiation and even thrive on it (you can already fly, birds, stop rubbing our noses in how awesome you are). What does this mean? Simply that nature finds a way? No, dickbag, it means that there are Ukrainian birds that are now invulnerable to nuclear strikes. And if a damn hollow-boned tree rat can adapt that way, so can a bear who’s way higher up the food chain (now THAT’S science). Nuclear-proof mutated superbears would make the entire U.S. nuclear stockpile irrelevant, and then we’d all just be sitting on tons and tons of lethal nuclear material for no damn reason, and that’s not my America, jack.

This shocking revelation should be a wake up call for our country. Do you want our boys in uniform going toe-to-toe with radioactive superbears that may or may not have hulking capabilities? If you’re like me, you do not want that, not in a million years (when we’ve evolved to thought carrier waves and make babies by sexy, sexy stereophonic reproduction). I did a mock-up sketch of what one of these creatures would look like to scare all of you but promptly fear-vomited all over it, so you’ll just have to use your imaginations. The bottom line is if we don’t do something about this, that cocky s.o.b. Putin (DO NOT tell him I called him an s.o.b.) will conquer this country, and I won’t tolerate a head of state who can’t keep his damn shirt on when there’s a camera around. My plan to combat this is as follows: shove the entire San Diego Zoo into the old Nevada Proving Grounds. With three hundred megacuries of leftover radiation, it dwarfs the fifty megacuries of Chernobyl (U-S-A! U-S-A!), and that means it’ll really get some weird shit going fast. Bat-eared foxes that kill with math, psychic anacondas, poison dart frogs firing forty darts a minute with acid for blood. How can we lose? Of course, there’s the chance that these aberrant nuclear horrors spawned from desert testing could turn on the populace (someone should make a movie about that), but it’s a chance we’ll have to take. The Russians are doing it, guys, and if it’s good enough for the Reds, it’s good enough for the Red(s), White(s), and Blue(s).

Not on my watch, Ivan.