Posts Tagged ‘for real’

According to somebody in England, wild Bumblebees are getting deadly viruses and infections from domesticated Honey Bees, so much so that it’s starting to cut into the bee population. This is serious. Pollination is how food is made (just plants, though, not delicious meat). Diseased bees puts our food in jeopardy, and since we can’t count on lazy-ass flowers to pollinate themselves and migrant workers are not a viable long-term solution, we need those bees. But bees, apparently, need to go out pollinating all over the place with other bees after a long day at the hive or whatever. It’s a part of their culture, and, unfortunately, they have no other alternative. It’s not like they can get drunk and play X-Box all night, and my own solution, Bee-Boys and Bee-Girls Clubs of America, is floundering (the Kickstarter has been disappointingly slow). So the next best thing is to educate the Bumblebee population on how to protect themselves. Otherwise, we’re talking epidemic-level BVD, and nobody wants to see a gaunt Honey Nut Cheerios mascot reveal on TV that he contracted BAIDS from Barry Benson or something. Yes, I used Bee-AIDS as an example because this is not an issue to make light of by making jokes about, like, Hepatitis ‘Bee’ or something. Grow up, you guys, this is serious.

As a public service, here are some safety tips for you wild Bumblebees. Pay attention.

Abstinence is the best prevention – I know you’ve got that itch of being with a Honey Bee that you want to scratch, but is it worth the risk? With the Internet around, you can safely satisfy those urges by yourself (sample searches: Queen Honey Bee, Honey Bees on Flowers, and, if you’re open-minded and into it, Honey Bees Flying). I know it’s not the same, but it’s the smart thing to do. Besides, you’ve built the experience of being with a Honey Bee up so much in your fantasies that the reality can’t possibly live up to it. You put it on a pedestal, admit it.

Stick to your own kind – This one is going to be controversial. I know we’re living in a progressive time, but it’s just a fact that other Bumblebees are less risky for you to be with than those filthy Honey Bees. I don’t care how fine that Honey Bee is or how much she’s twerking her abdomen at you, you don’t know where she’s been. And I know, she’s from that colony your friend Mark told you is full of girls who are dtf, but that’s the point. She’s got mileage on her, bro. And she’s probably crazy, too. And, ladies, that Honey Bee guy *does not* know the queen and *cannot* get you in to meet her if you show him you’re cool. He is also *not* worker caste, he’s a friggin’ drone. He’s lying to you. He doesn’t do charity work for larva, either. Look at him, he’s skeezy as hell; don’t be stupid. Why not go out with one of those nice Bumblebees you see at church on Sunday instead?

Life is short – You guys only live about three weeks, and most of that is working at the hive. That’s not a long time. Sure, you’re out there smelling the roses all day, but three weeks isn’t even long enough to binge-watch all of Breaking Bad after work. Why shave days off of your lifespan and severely reduce the quality of the days you have left with an incurable virus you got from some dirty, dirty Honey Bee? That Honey Bee’s not going to stick around when you get sick. Is that what you think? God help you if it is because that Honey Bee will find somebody else. That Honey Bee doesn’t care about you. You will die alone. And unloved. Bleak shit.

In closing, wild Bumblebees, just remember that every stigma or stamen you touch isn’t a virgin like they say they are. They’ve pollinated before, and when they pollinate with you, you’re pollinating with every bee they’ve been with. And a lot of those bees are Honey Bees because that flower is a freak. Also remember that any honey bee that tells you they’re clean is a liar. Their shit is rotten. Sure, they look so sweet and tempting and the fact that you’re being told not get with them makes it all the more alluring, and Mark says that Honey Bees are just . . . different from the bees you’re used to going with, but don’t do it. Leave that honey bee alone. You are forbidden from ever seeing a Honey Bee again. FORBIDDEN.

There. That should take care of it. You’re welcome, Science.