R. D. Harless

Maybe you didn’t know this, but Paleontology is 99% guesswork (+ or – 3%). These jackholes dig up bones out of the ground, glue them together in an order that makes sense only to them, then concoct some story about what this animal was like based on its body shape (paleontologists: just like Mean Girls). What color are dinosaurs? Fucking flip a coin, man, nobody knows. Probably green. Lizards are green, right? Fuck it, make ’em green. Shit like this is standard operating procedure in paleontology, and that’s when it’s functioning like it’s supposed to, much less when you’re talking the hoaxes like taping a lizard tail onto a chicken skeleton and saying it’s a new kind of dinosaur, which I am totally not making up. There is shit going down in that field of study every day that you don’t know about and not just because you’re stupid (you’re probably not). The reason you don’t know about these mistruths and power-drunk antics? Big Museum shells out a lot of money to keep you in the dark. That’s right, America, those boring buildings that collect government subsidies and gift shop money are perpetrating lies all over you (small, placard text lies). It’s all part of a conspiracy by the dinosaur industry, Big Museum, and the animatronic mafia (the ones who really killed Jim Henson), and it’s been going on for a while.

This crap started in the 19th Century during what was called the Bone Wars. Back then, it was a bleak time. Scientific hoaxes were frequent, scientists lived like warlords, and Thomas Edison fought against Nikolai Tesla’s army of war elephants by electrocuting them willy-nilly all over the place. Two science tyrants, Othniel Chuck Marsh and Edward “The Drinker” Cope, wanted to get all up in that untapped fossil money (The Academy of Natural Sciences was making it rain, yo). Their armies battled each other across the American West, staging bloody raids to steal dinosaur skeletons that left thousands dead. In their rush for that sweet cash from Big Museum, these men slapped together random bone pieces, threw some Latin around, called the other guy’s work ‘thoughtless bullshit,’ then adjourned to their harems. The public, however, were none the wiser to their lies, suffering through a Dust Bowl caused by all the fossil digging. The damage done to Science by Marsh and Cope’s ceaseless bloodshed was incalculable, and knowledge became jealously hoarded by shadowy sects until Albert Einstein consolidated power to bring the one true Science back to the people like a crazy-haired Prometheus.

Much of what we take for granted about dinosaurs is the result of this bone race. Take Triceratops, for example (widely accepted as the best dinosaur by intelligent people). It’s come to light now that specimens found are probably just the juvenile form of the Torosaurus rather than a separate species as previously thought. But because paying customer don’t know what the hell a Torosaurus is, that sumbitch got aced out of the books and forcibly re-assigned as adult Triceratops (he still feels like a Torosaurus inside). Why? Because Steven Speilberg’s got a fucking warehouse full of Cera merchandise he’s still trying to get rid of, and if you don’t think he’s the mouthpiece for the dinosaur industry, I’d like to introduce you to a little film you might’ve heard of called We’re Back. And don’t even get me started on Stegosaurus. That fat, plated bitch is all hearsay and conjecture, and I don’t pay good money to go see conjecture at the museum (unless it’s at The National Conjecture Museum – your tax dollars at work).

And as if all that’s not enough, now paleontologists are taking away all the cool shit about dinosaurs that they flat-out made up to get fossil groupies (known in the industry as “lissoirs” ’cause they polish that bone, son). Those awesome horns some dinosaurs have? Probably just for mating displays (the dino version of skinny jeans) rather than awesome Saturday Night Ass-Kicking at the tar pits. Tyrannosaurus, Latin for ‘King Fuck of Balls Mountain,’ might’ve had furry, baby bird-like feathers on it until maturing (between that and the tiny arms, very self-conscious teen years). Contrary to what we were told, bigger dinosaurs didn’t, in fact, have a brain up their asses (unlike paleontologists – burn!). And the let-downs just keep coming.

We’ve been told for years by Big Museum that dinosaurs were the end-all be-all of animal coolness in the name of selling us overpriced tickets to go read some shit on a wall that we could read on the Internet (maybe in a book?). Slowly, though, the depth of the dinosaur industry’s reckless lies is showing, and we’re starting to learn that dinosaurs pretty much just got the vapors at the sight of a mammal and slap-fought each other for food (then cried themselves sick about it for days). The majesty of these creatures is gone because it never really existed, it was all manufactured for the poon-tang and money that all paleontologists crave single-mindedly. What is there left for children to believe in? Nothing, that’s what (don’t tell them that). I don’t know who should be held accountable for this fraud because apparently John Hammond is fictitious, but I’ve got some pikes sharpened and ready. It’d be pretty cool if one of you dirt-diggers volunteered to be made an example of. For Science. The Science of Vengeance.