An Open Letter to President Obama: Let Us Go To Mars

Posted: January 17, 2014 in Super Intellectual Essays
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Mr. President,

It was reported recently that it is feasible for NASA to put a man on Mars in the 2030s provided it has its funding restored. Currently, their funding is frozen, a necessary evil in a time of economic hardship. We are, however, recovering. Mr. President. Space travel is again something we can and should get behind. I urge you to fight for this funding reallocation to come to pass. The potential for setting back mankind if we do not is simply too great. I’m talking, of course, about a possible Chinese-Martian alliance.

. . .

I’m assuming the cold chill that’s gone down your spine has now passed, so I’ll continue. The Chinese National Space Administration already landed an unmanned craft on the moon last month. It’s suggested that they are presently considering sending a manned follow-up. But don’t think they’ll stop there. The moon will be but a stepping stone to Mars, and should we let the Chinese get there before we do, the ramifications will be dire. The Chinese already own, like, half of our asses through national debt. They make at least half the stuff our asses buy. By transitive properties, Mr. President, China owns our entire ass, and part of that ass is on your watch. We cannot afford to sacrifice Mars’ ass, too.

Lest you worry about funding for these ventures, expansion to Mars will be a solution to much of our financial troubles as well as a boon to American industry. We can treat the planet as every country has historically treated their colonies: just take all the resources for ourselves with the, preferably but not necessarily, willing help of the native peoples. We can probably get Olympus Mons for, like, an iPod or something. Then, boom, cut the top off that sucker and mine the shit out of it. Instant Martian Gold Rush. And if we don’t get those sweet, sweet alien resources, someone else will. Spoiler alert: I’m talkin’ China. We can’t afford to let them dominate us on this like it’s an Olympic gymnast competition. Also, getting to Mars first will deal a mighty blow to the Chinese economy. With all those tentacles, Martian children are probably way more dexterous than Asian children. We can move all our sweatshop jobs overspace and tell China to suck it.

Mars = Get Paid

Something else that should turn your shit blue, Mr. President, is the thought of the Chinese getting their hands on Martian technology. I don’t know about you, but I can’t sleep at night thinking about armies of star and sickle tripods invading California. Literally, I haven’t slept in days. And the Chinese won’t stop there. They’re an industrious people. They build entire cities they don’t even need just for the hell of it. Imagine if they were to add the knowledge of Martian canal building and face-carving to their incredible wall-building and railroad-building skills. They would become unstoppable. This cannot come to pass.

Mr. President, these are only a few of the many salient points in this debate. There are a wide range of social and cultural implications. For example, I don’t want my great-great-great-great grandchildren living in rice paper condos in New Shishi City celebrating the year of the Martian iguana. That’s bullshit and, frankly, pretty thoughtless of you. American ideals should not be confined to only being spread successfully and without incident to places like Iraq, Afghanistan, and Vietnam. The warring Barsoom tribes of the Martian people cry out for the strong hand of Democracy to guide them. And if you don’t do something about this, we’ll be calling Mars the Red Planet for a whole other reason.

Because (pause for effect) Communism.


R. D. Harless


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