Posts Tagged ‘space-ace-ace’

This week the space ‘scientists’ at NASA successfully spent a shitload of money to take pictures of a thing three billion miles away from us. I’m told this is a great moment in history. For ‘science’ (i.e., for no reason other than some Poindexter had nothing better to do — how about curing cancer, asshole?). Anyway like all nerds, these ones got all squealy and giggly and have gone apeshit on Pluto’s icy ass like it’s something from friggin’ Star Wars (And don’t shout Hoth at me, you fucking nerds). They’ve named regions crap like Balrog and Cthulhu and Mordor and other things that will never get Pluto laid again. Way to have dignity, geniuses. But before NASA can break out the Dungeons & Dragons books to name this icehole’s every hill and canyon, it’s time for America to take over and go to work.

Now that we own Pluto (vis a vis the Supreme Court in Finders v Keepers), the game has changed. We’re talking the United States owning a fucking planet, you guys. Not a comet, not a moon (already got one, bitches), not some stupid asteroid that’s susceptible to triangle spacecraft. We’ve got a planet, and it’s Pluto, full of that sweet, sweet plutonium that becomes all ours (1.21 gigawatts on tap and Silkwood showers, son). Of course, the plutonium will be mined by corporations as God intended (Gecko 3:16), so be prepared for a robust economy emboldened by the swell of off-world mining jobs and industries that support them like money order services and blade running. Sure, the plutocrats will reap vast rewards on our backs, but enough riches will trickle down that the common man will have plenty of cheap reliable plutonium to power his Nascars and reality shows and rapid food dispenseries. Plus, he gets to go to space and maybe get powers from cosmic ray bombardment (watch out for facehuggers). Not too shabby.

The next step after we’ve successfully gutted Pluto of its resources? Flip that motherfucker. This fly-by has generated all kinds of buzz and the market is talking (Ceres who?). Sure, it’s in a crappy neighborhood (Oort cloud adjacent) and needs some upgrades (breathable atmosphere), but it’s free of impact craters, has a quaint ice mountain range, and features an antique radiation heating system. We can gentrify the shit out of it. And by that time, New Horizons should be laying claim to Planet X for us.


Mr. President,

It was reported recently that it is feasible for NASA to put a man on Mars in the 2030s provided it has its funding restored. Currently, their funding is frozen, a necessary evil in a time of economic hardship. We are, however, recovering. Mr. President. Space travel is again something we can and should get behind. I urge you to fight for this funding reallocation to come to pass. The potential for setting back mankind if we do not is simply too great. I’m talking, of course, about a possible Chinese-Martian alliance.

. . .

I’m assuming the cold chill that’s gone down your spine has now passed, so I’ll continue. The Chinese National Space Administration already landed an unmanned craft on the moon last month. It’s suggested that they are presently considering sending a manned follow-up. But don’t think they’ll stop there. The moon will be but a stepping stone to Mars, and should we let the Chinese get there before we do, the ramifications will be dire. The Chinese already own, like, half of our asses through national debt. They make at least half the stuff our asses buy. By transitive properties, Mr. President, China owns our entire ass, and part of that ass is on your watch. We cannot afford to sacrifice Mars’ ass, too.

Lest you worry about funding for these ventures, expansion to Mars will be a solution to much of our financial troubles as well as a boon to American industry. We can treat the planet as every country has historically treated their colonies: just take all the resources for ourselves with the, preferably but not necessarily, willing help of the native peoples. We can probably get Olympus Mons for, like, an iPod or something. Then, boom, cut the top off that sucker and mine the shit out of it. Instant Martian Gold Rush. And if we don’t get those sweet, sweet alien resources, someone else will. Spoiler alert: I’m talkin’ China. We can’t afford to let them dominate us on this like it’s an Olympic gymnast competition. Also, getting to Mars first will deal a mighty blow to the Chinese economy. With all those tentacles, Martian children are probably way more dexterous than Asian children. We can move all our sweatshop jobs overspace and tell China to suck it.

Mars = Get Paid

Something else that should turn your shit blue, Mr. President, is the thought of the Chinese getting their hands on Martian technology. I don’t know about you, but I can’t sleep at night thinking about armies of star and sickle tripods invading California. Literally, I haven’t slept in days. And the Chinese won’t stop there. They’re an industrious people. They build entire cities they don’t even need just for the hell of it. Imagine if they were to add the knowledge of Martian canal building and face-carving to their incredible wall-building and railroad-building skills. They would become unstoppable. This cannot come to pass.

Mr. President, these are only a few of the many salient points in this debate. There are a wide range of social and cultural implications. For example, I don’t want my great-great-great-great grandchildren living in rice paper condos in New Shishi City celebrating the year of the Martian iguana. That’s bullshit and, frankly, pretty thoughtless of you. American ideals should not be confined to only being spread successfully and without incident to places like Iraq, Afghanistan, and Vietnam. The warring Barsoom tribes of the Martian people cry out for the strong hand of Democracy to guide them. And if you don’t do something about this, we’ll be calling Mars the Red Planet for a whole other reason.

Because (pause for effect) Communism.


R. D. Harless