This week the space ‘scientists’ at NASA successfully spent a shitload of money to take pictures of a thing three billion miles away from us. I’m told this is a great moment in history. For ‘science’ (i.e., for no reason other than some Poindexter had nothing better to do — how about curing cancer, asshole?). Anyway like all nerds, these ones got all squealy and giggly and have gone apeshit on Pluto’s icy ass like it’s something from friggin’ Star Wars (And don’t shout Hoth at me, you fucking nerds). They’ve named regions crap like Balrog and Cthulhu and Mordor and other things that will never get Pluto laid again. Way to have dignity, geniuses. But before NASA can break out the Dungeons & Dragons books to name this icehole’s every hill and canyon, it’s time for America to take over and go to work.
Now that we own Pluto (vis a vis the Supreme Court in Finders v Keepers), the game has changed. We’re talking the United States owning a fucking planet, you guys. Not a comet, not a moon (already got one, bitches), not some stupid asteroid that’s susceptible to triangle spacecraft. We’ve got a planet, and it’s Pluto, full of that sweet, sweet plutonium that becomes all ours (1.21 gigawatts on tap and Silkwood showers, son). Of course, the plutonium will be mined by corporations as God intended (Gecko 3:16), so be prepared for a robust economy emboldened by the swell of off-world mining jobs and industries that support them like money order services and blade running. Sure, the plutocrats will reap vast rewards on our backs, but enough riches will trickle down that the common man will have plenty of cheap reliable plutonium to power his Nascars and reality shows and rapid food dispenseries. Plus, he gets to go to space and maybe get powers from cosmic ray bombardment (watch out for facehuggers). Not too shabby.
The next step after we’ve successfully gutted Pluto of its resources? Flip that motherfucker. This fly-by has generated all kinds of buzz and the market is talking (Ceres who?). Sure, it’s in a crappy neighborhood (Oort cloud adjacent) and needs some upgrades (breathable atmosphere), but it’s free of impact craters, has a quaint ice mountain range, and features an antique radiation heating system. We can gentrify the shit out of it. And by that time, New Horizons should be laying claim to Planet X for us.
R. D. Harless 